Bruised

She didn't see it coming.  He wasn't the man she married.  He definitely wasn't the father he pledged himself to be. The sparkle he used to have in his eyes for life had dimmed so much that darkness spilled out.   The stress had overtaken him.  Keeping up with the big dogs at work, planning for a child, the loss of his dad, had over time eaten away at who he used to be.

She remembered the day they met.  Alex had such a zest for life, such an energy. Everyone who knew him couldn't stay away.  It was contagious.  He never did anything half heartily.  He poured all he had into whatever he had on his plate and never seemed to burn out.  The drive to see things through, to make magic happen, seemed only to empower him.  Hillary being a little more on the introverted side, found herself pulled towards him.

The day they found out they were going to be parents, Alex cried, yelled, laughed and even did a few cartwheels.  He made sure that anyone that knew him, friend or acquaintance, knew he was going to be a father to the best little boy or girl in the world

Alex's job had always been demanding.  He worked in a field where competition, show, and effort were not only rewarded, but they were required.  Alex always seemed to roll with the punches. Nothing ever seemed to faze him.  That was until his father passed away suddenly from a heart attach.  That's when the cracks began to form.  Slowly, the life began to drain out of him.  It wasn't over night but was slowly taking away the spark that was Alex Williams.  He tried hard for the first year to pretend that it wasn't getting to him, that it was just a part of life.  "You grieve and move on" was a motto he was trying really hard to live.  When they found out they were pregnant, Alex seemed to breathe new life.  He seemed to get that spring back in his step that made him who he was.  He was a force to be reckoned with and apparently now had something to prove to not only himself and the world but to his new child.  

When Hillary was 5 months, they finally agreed that they wanted to know the sex of the baby.  A little boy was their destiny.   Alex made sure the doctor was right by having him point out every body part, even the ones that were missing.  Once Alex was convinced, he went straight to the closest baby store and bought every sports related outfit or accessory one can have up until probably 5 years old.  He began doing the research for how they were going to decorate his room.  The light that had faded was suddenly back and brighter then ever.  That was until about 2 months from delivering.  Something in Alex began to change again.

Work had taken some new twists and turns.  New blood had come in to shake things up and Alex wasn't buying their new strategies.  Always one for change and trying new things, Alex was found unnerved, unsure and definitely afraid.  Long hours became even longer hours.  Hillary was lucky if she saw her husband during the day.  Her pregnancy seemed to require an early bedtime, which meant even less chance to see her husband, the father of her child.

Hillary let it go, knowing that Alex needed to put in the hours to get to a place where the long hours weren't a requirement. It was the circle of life and it was Alex's time to be at the bottom.  Hillary knew he wouldn't be there long.  He was beautiful and majestic most of the time but was able to take down his prey or his enemies pretty quickly and without much mess.

The night it first happened, Hillary had been caught off guard.  The morning had started out peaceful and mellow for once.  Alex had decided to go in a little later then usual just to spend time with her and her belly.  They laid in bed till almost 8am just making plans, talking about their future together.  Hillary had seen between conversations a glimpse of vulnerability that she had never seen before. Alex had always been upfront with how he felt about her and those close to him. He was always the type to be vulnerable with those he loved.  But this had been different.  A fear of failure and weakness seemed to spill out in the way he spoke, not necessarily in what he said.  He was breaking, a fragile glass giving way to its cracks.

Hillary didn't know what to do with this fragile side of Alex.  She prayed silently, grabbing his hand in reassurance.  She laid their stroking her thumb along his cheek, staring into his deep brown eyes.  She whispered words of love, adoration and encouragement.  The words seemed to weaken Alex even more.  His eyes filled with tears not knowing how to respond to his wife’s love.  He was dying inside, he was afraid he'd take her with him.

Leaving just after 9:00am, Alex rushed off to work.  He knew he'd only be about 10 minutes late for a normal working day, but was over 3 hours late for the hours he had been pulling lately.  Hillary's words were playing in his head all morning despite the insanity that was brewing.

Hillary had been surprised to hear the door open at 6pm that evening.  Alex hadn't been home before 9pm in months.  Immediately she could see in his eyes that the day hadn't gone well.  She walked over to him, reaching to hug him. Alex grabbed her arms in mid reach pushing them down and away from him.  He looked straight into her eyes, even into her soul with an ice-cold glare that made her knees buckle.

"Bad day?" She said knowing it sounded flippant.  Her fear had gotten her words leaving her with just those two.  Alex snickered, looking at her like she was the enemy.  He rolled his eyes,put his briefcase on the floor and walked right past her. 

Hillary stood there, frozen, not sure what or if she should say anything, afraid of what might come next.

"Sorry to hear that." she said without turning around, staring at the place he had just been standing.  She could feel him whip around, the cold air barreling towards her.

"Oh yeah?" He said, his anger seething. "You're sorry, huh?  Wish you had been more sorry this morning when you forced me to be late."

Still afraid to face him, she grabbed the counter next to her, slowly turning to face him.  She could tell that the demons in him had won and that he was out for blood.  Apparently she was his first and probably only victim.  She looked into his eyes, trying to find him;  the Alex she once loved. 

"What? Not going to say anything?"  He spit the words at her.  Hillary knew that she couldn't play this game with him. She wasn't going to spar with him in this way.  She stood there, praying, hoping that he'd calm down and stop the fight he was trying so hard to have with her.

She took a step towards him, tentative, not knowing where the boundaries were.  He didn't seem to notice her getting closer. When she was 6 inches in front of him, her face close enough to feel his breath on hers, she slowly grabbed for his hand, knowing that would be a safe first touch. 

Hillary was wrong.  In a flash, he grabbed her by the shoulders throwing her into the cabinets next to them.  As she crumpled to the ground, he picked her back up pushing her into the wood doors.  He was gripping her shoulders so hard, she could feel the blood rush to the surface.  The fear in her, mixed with the anger in his eyes was making it hard for her to breath.  Tears slowly started to fall.  Afraid this would anger him more; she looked down towards her feet, remembering then that her ever-growing belly blocked them.

"Alex." She wined loudly, loosening his grip on her and drawing her hands to her stomach.  She slowly backed away from him, putting some distance between him and her.  She was breathing hard, afraid of what he had already done and could do again.  Leaning on the counter, wanting nothing more then to melt into the floor.

Alex stood there staring at her, his anger slowly turning into fear, then sorrow.  Hillary watched the emotions play over her husbands face, knowing her Alex was not the one in control and that he was fighting to get out. 

He took a tentative step towards her.  She winced, putting one hand up, blocking him from getting closer to her. The other hand was literally holding her upright against the counter.  

"Don't." she said while shaking her head, looking him in the eyes.  "You've done enough."  Her voice was shaky but she was exuding enough confidence as she could muster so he would know she meant it.

"Baby, I am so sorry." He said, tears streaming down his face.  He looked at her with an anguish she had never seen.  He was sorry; she didn't doubt that.  But she didn't want him near her.

"Help me get to the couch, please,” she said, knowing that in order for her to get there she was going to have to rely on him.  She didn't have the strength to stand there any longer.

Alex slowly, like a man reaching towards a sneering dog, slid his arm underneath his wife's and led her into the living room and onto the couch.  He helped her get comfortable, hovering like a scared child wanting approval from his scolding parents.

"Hillary, I am so sorry."  She closed her eyes at his declaration.  She could feel the pain he inflicted on himself.  She didn't want to take on his pain along with hers.  She wasn't strong enough.  Her only concern needed to be the baby and herself.  She knew they'd find there way back but right now, she was only strong enough for two of them.

"I know you are, Alex, but that shouldn't have happened.  I am not sure who you are and I need to know that person in there,"she waived her finger towards the kitchen, "doesn't come back."  Hillary paused, not sure if she should say what needed to come next.  "You can't stay here tonight."

There she said it.  She had to.  She couldn't be in the same house as him tonight. The anger and the grief were too much to bear.  

The resign fell over him.  He knew he deserved that and so much more for what he did to her.  He nodded lightly, agreeing with her.  He looked her deep in the eyes, trying to find her forgiveness. A single tear fell down as he realized it wasn't there yet.

"I am sorry." he lightly whispered, turned and walked out the door.